Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
