have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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