I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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