he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
