You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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