you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
