hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
