I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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