Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
