Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Sext me about skeletons
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
