we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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