Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
