i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize