if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize