drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
