When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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