Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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