Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
