he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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