bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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