What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
