I love black thongs
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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