Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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