I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
