my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
