I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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