What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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