When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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