Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
