why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
