wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
