I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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