I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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