You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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