I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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