I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
