it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
