If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
