im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
