well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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