me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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