No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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