Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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