I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
