So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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