He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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