no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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