I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
