Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
