i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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