i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize