Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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