She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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