dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
