One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
