The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
