Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
