you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
