I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
50% drunk capacity currently
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
