dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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