Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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