nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
