No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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