one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
