I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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