watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize