i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
