He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
