i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
