I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize