When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize