So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
