a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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