i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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