I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
